I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
