i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
