Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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