she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
