I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
