i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
