i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
