dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize