I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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