i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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