I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
