I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
