I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
