I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
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