I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is Oprah even human
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize