It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
