Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
