Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
