he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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