I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
