I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
