Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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