george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
