i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
