i don't like sucking hair
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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