im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
