her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
