I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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