Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
