There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
