I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My vagina just recognized that song.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
