ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Randomize