he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
