we have pet lesbian snakes
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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