I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize