hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
