i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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