In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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