hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
