Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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