Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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