i permit you to call me
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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