I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
