Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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