Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
