I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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