I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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