hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize