when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I have aggressive nipples.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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