woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
