got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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