Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
it glows. i had to have it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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