I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
