Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
