i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize