One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
