Jerry, you need to find god
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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