I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
