I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
