I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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