I need help removing her.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
