You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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