So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
