I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
